Identity Crisis

It's been almost three months since we brought our little bundle of joy home and became a family of three.  I'm finally coming out of the fog of becoming a mom for the first time.  I can finally think of something other than feedings and diapers. I can finally start to be myself again, whoever that is.  Its so easy to kind of forget about yourself when you're pregnant, because everything is about the baby.  I have always believed that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. A philosophy I obviously followed while pregnant because taking care of myself was taking care of my baby.  But once that little one arrived, I definitely became somewhat of an afterthought.  So now its time to redirect and balance my focus.  And that ever controversial quest of "losing the baby weight" and "getting my body back" is at the forefront of this journey.

My goal is not to reach a certain number on a scale, I've never been one to weigh myself obsessively (although that changed during pregnancy).  Instead my goal is to be healthy, to be fit, to be strong and energetic, so that I can be the best mom for my little guy.  And if all being those things makes the number on the scale drop and make me look better in a bathing suit for our upcoming vacation, well then isn't that nice.  After being a second class citizen to myself I think I deserve the right to try and feel good about myself.

The other part of journey to the new me is learning how to be a mom without letting that become the only thing that defines me.  I'm still an individual, and a wife, and a friend, but how do I continue to be all of those things when mostly I just feel like a mom.  Moving to the desert and quitting my job was definitely an adjustment for me, and Jackson has definitely filled my days right back up.  Now i'm trying to figure out how to be a full time mom while still finding time for myself.  I struggle with being able to come out of "mommy mode" and be who I was before.  My sweet husband has been so wonderful and patient with me over the last few months.  He checks in to make my head is on straight, that i'm not sinking into an abyss of breast milk and tummy time, and he gives me a break when he can.  We are working on redefining our relationship as parents and a couple, because no matter what I thought before, having a child changes your marriage, in wonderful and strange and scary ways.  I'm also in a situation where I am making new friends, which happens with each new duty station and job and phase of life.  The hard part is, how do you get to know someone when you feel like you don't really know yourself?

I don't know if all new moms go through an identity crisis, but for me it has been the hardest part of becoming a parent so far.  I'm sure I will figure myself out eventually, i'm trying to turn this into a positive opportunity to reinvent myself into a better person.  But who knows what will actually happen.  For now, I'm pushing myself a little bit each day and seeing where that takes me.