The Real Mom's Resume

I am going back to work. Yikes. This means I have had to update my resume, which hasn't been done in about 5 years, double yikes.  After begging friends and relatives to send me theirs so I could get some idea of what a professional person was supposed to say about themselves, I came up with one that isn't half bad.  But as I was googling "resume adjectives" so that I wasn't just using words like "smart and nice" I started to think about what my resume would look like if I was being my brutally honest, semi-snarky self.  Just for fun I thought I'd share.

Mommy Kate Blinn

Objective: Stay-at-home mom desperately seeking an opportunity to have adult conversations and renew my self-worth while adding as little additional stress to my life as possible.

Skills
Multitasking: reading a children's book while cooking dinner and checking Facebook.
Positivity: keeping a child happy and distracted when they have just projectile vomited all over the couch and their father.
Good under pressure: not losing my shit when i've been asked the same question for the 47th time in 12 minutes (don't ask what happens at number 48)
Articulate: able to explain the difference between bras and boobies to a 2 1/2 year old boy with a straight face.
Other skills include; seeming empathetic or interested in ridiculous situations, calming irrational tiny humans under extreme duress, cooking meals that never get finished, and cuddling.

Experience
I used to have real jobs with real responsibilities and I was really good at them.  Yet I can't remember exactly what those duties were because I created another life and he took all my brain cells.


So if anyone has a job that could use someone like me i'd really appreciate the opportunity! Also, be prepared for me to talk about my kid a bunch, i'm going to miss the heck out of him.